I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
