she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
