Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
