seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
