if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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