He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Ketchup is God's man juice
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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