I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
