Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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