The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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