I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
