Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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