her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
