dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
