i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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