Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
