I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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