my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
