It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
