I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
