Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
