got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
