nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
