I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
