Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
