Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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