in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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