i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
