I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
