somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
