Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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