Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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