It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
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My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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