I bet he comes in French.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
