I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
