I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
