I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
