So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
