so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
