Soap is not a condiment
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
