I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
