So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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