I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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