then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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