He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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