now i know why i became what i already was.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
