She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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