everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
