I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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