from now on my penis is your penis
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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