Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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