Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
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