I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
