I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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